Saturday, 10 April 2010

Busy bi

I am very tired after this long cold winter. Spring is definitely here. I am still cold though and my joints sometimes ache so much that I just have to cry for a while. I find that crying does help. I’m not the kind who will suffer in silence. When I’m done crying I look at the bright side of my life.

I have a husband whom I’m still madly in love with after 25 years and I know that the feeling is mutual. We have three boys who are just starting out their journey as young adults, well the youngest is only 15 but the other two are 18 and 21. In Sweden you come of age when you are 18. These young adults are eager to flap their wings. They fly of but they always return to the nest because they still need their parents. It isn’t easy for young people to find work these days.

I’m lucky, and my husband is lucky. We have jobs. My little 18 year old son has a part time job that he has got all by him self in a large technology department store. He does not want to go to university after college, not yet anyway. We’ll see. When you are 18 you want to fly of, out in the world, especially when you have broken up with your girlfriend and have been down for a while.

My 21 year old son has been to university. He is now an IT- network technician and he has just got a job in the production line at Campbell’s in Kristianstad in Sweden. Not the kind of work he has been training for but it is better than no job at all. It bugs me that one of the manager's sons who lack education altogether has received the job my son has education to do. I know that the production guys think it stinks.

They like my son because he isn’t a snob and apparently this can not be said about the other guy. May be things that goes around will come around. I do believe in that. Anyway, my son has also got a new flat which he will share together with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is an assistant nurse and she has got a job during the summer. Hopefully this can led to getting a more permanent job.

Life goes up and life goes down. We fall in and out of love. There are hardships and there is pleasure and I still have plans. I am still in full search of my life

Friday, 5 March 2010

A young deer dies

Today on my husbands birthday everything went wrong that could go wrong. I had to work overtime due to a young person’s bad choice. I wonder are we moving in to a dark era. A time when mothers don’t love their children and fathers just can’t be bothered? A time where nobody cares? I listen to far too many stories that all tell the same tale young people without support, without dreams and without hope. Some of them you want to take home some you want to cuddle and some you just want to shake hard and it just never ends. At last my work is done. Now finally I’m on my way home

My husband wants to go out and eat because it is his birthday so of we go. We have a nice time and food together with our children who are now more and more getting to be young adults. .

Then on the way home it happens.
A young deer came racing out from nowhere and he hits the car with a loud bang. My husband who was driving thinks he hit a dog. I sense panic in the car so I take command. I order them to stop and stay with the deer while I get help. The deer is not dead. I think he has broken his back and or has severe head injury. He is moving his legs and banging his head against the ground and bleeding through his nose.

I run for help knowing that he has to be put down. The lady in the house phones a hunter but the deer dies before the hunter arrives. Due to the severe cold weather the meat is wasted. The deer’s inside organs have to be removed and then the deer must be hung in a warm place for a couple of days. A warm place can not be found. The body will be cut up and thrown into the woods to the foxes
I hope that something good will come out of this tragic accident. Nature is sometimes cruel and it is hard on the animals. I hope that there are some animals that will gain from

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Starving birds

On my way home today I turned of the big road and took the small country road that I like so much. It’s nice leaving the stress behind. When I drove through the small forest I met a deer who had become tired of walking in the deep snow. They like to come out and rest on the ploughed roads for a while. When he saw my car he hopped into the woods and ran away as fast as he could. It was difficult for him in the deep snow. I feel so sorry for the wild life this winter. When I came home I prepared food for different kind of birds. They got seeds, nuts bread, oatmeal, fat and fruit. I was a bit worried that there wouldn’t be any birds left but they came after about an hour. There were different kinds of tits and after a while two magpies arrived. A lot of people shoe them away but I saw that the little birds weren’t so shy and the poor magpies were just hungry. I made them a special place to eat and gave them special food. They were more frightened than the small birds so I didn’t get any pictures of them. The small birds were so hungry that they let me come close so that I could take some photos. I must now continue to feed them up until spring finally arrives.

Monday, 22 February 2010


I was so glad I thought that the backbone of winter finally had been broken. I was feeling happy for the first time this year. I had hope. To day I was brutally thrown back into my depression with -10°C. It isn’t fair to first be given hope and then have the rug pulled away from under your feet. I have been to sunlight therapy today but it didn’t really help. Or maybe it did. Maybe it is good for me to sit down and cry my heart out. It feels so hopeless. Maybe I have come to realize that everything is suffering just as Buddha says. I am so glad that I have a loving husband and understanding children whom I love dearly. Not to forget my loving animals. You can read about my old dog Dutch and little Taffy in earlier pages. Someone who really helps me to get through my depression and the pain I have in my wrists is my old cat Axel. Axel sleeps in my bed. He is a very large male (castrated) black cat about 14 years old. He takes my wrists with both of his paws and pulls it towards his tummy and snuggles up with my wrist in a firm grip. The warmth from him takes away my pain. He is more effective than any pharmaceutical painkillers I could by. Not all cats are snugglers like he is. It is now way past my bed time and I and going to try to dream about spring and flowers and cosy little house with a cosy little garden in a country far away. I read about it in a blog called Steps to the sky which I follow.

Saturday, 20 February 2010

I have hope

I am beginning to hope! Hope that I am seeing the end of this winter. I feel different. It is no longer hopeless even if I live in an ice prison. The temperature has risen, its now + 0, 4°C outside and the snow is melting. May be the fact that I have a week off also should be taken in to account. The snow is melting and so is my heart. To have a winter depression is like going to hell and not knowing if you will come back. Something broke today, I pray it was the backbone of winter. I sat in my house and heard a rumble. It was an avalanche that came from the roof. Down came a lot of snow and ice with a bang. It felt so good. Now I have to be careful because it can be dangerous when the ice and the snow slide of the roofs like this. I do hope that this is the voice of spring.

Saturday, 13 February 2010

Just a brief meeting with someone

Just a brief meeting with someone can give you relief for a while

My blog sometimes spills over on the dark side. This is because I am suffering from SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) (In my case it’s winter depression.) I find that blogging helps me. The other day I found a comment on my blog from Japan. It was just a glimpse of another human being, just a brief meting in cyber space. But this brief meeting meant a lot to me. I started to think about all the brief meetings we make in our lives and how they often give a golden edge to an ordinary day. The Swedish poet Hjalmar Gullberg (1898 – 1961) has caught this in one of his poems. He came from Sk√•ne in the south of Sweden. Tragically he committed suicide by drowning himself. This is my translation of his poem.

If in a lonely forest
anxiety over took you
Just a brief meeting with someone
could give you relief for a while

Give some directions on path
then in peace say goodbye
Such were strangers meetings
according to ancient rules

Changing a word or two
made it easy to walk
All peoples meetings
should be conducted as such

Monday, 1 February 2010

The dream

This terrible winter is eating me alive? My soul is now deep frozen. I dread it is dying and will not live to see spring. My heart is growing cold, so cold that it is getting harder and harder for me to feel love and sympathy. In this icy bitter cold world I am slowly dying barely surviving, clinging on to something I remember as life by using a dream; the dream of a new spring coming with new life, a dream of another life, a dream that includes the islands of Malta.

But I need more than dreams if I’m going to survive two or three months of this frozen Hell. I don't believe in a warm Hell. If hell means that I will be shovelling coal I will gladly be going there.

I have how ever been given a glimpse of hope from a little darling bumblebee. She has reminded me that just 7 miles from where I live there is a brand new swimming facility which has a sun beach. Not the sort you get a tan from but the sort you get daylight from. The kind of light you need to treat your winter depression. I am now trying to defrost my muscles and my willpower so that I can visit this beach. God knows that I need it.

Saturday, 2 January 2010

We went dutch

Yes we have gone Dutch!

Dutch came to us in April 1995, he is a Bouvier des Flandres and in the process of learning to know him I wonder: Is a dogs love less worth than a child's love? Well the convention says yes but I don't know.

Yes a dog is only a dog but no human has ever given me more love than Dutch has given me. And maybe that is right. Why should humans give me so much love?
Who am I? If you ask Dutch I'm the meaning of his life. O My good! How can I be the meaning of somebody’s life? This is a great responsibility.

What ever you think I feel that animals has given me fare more love than any human ever has been able to. I sometimes feeler like a Good when Dutch looks at me. Not only does he look at me, he worships me. And he worships the ground I walk upon and I feel blessed. Yes, Blessed!