Starving birds

On my way home today I turned of the big road and took the small country road that I like so much. It’s nice leaving the stress behind. When I drove through the small forest I met a deer who had become tired of walking in the deep snow. They like to come out and rest on the ploughed roads for a while. When he saw my car he hopped into the woods and ran away as fast as he could. It was difficult for him in the deep snow. I feel so sorry for the wild life this winter. When I came home I prepared food for different kind of birds. They got seeds, nuts bread, oatmeal, fat and fruit. I was a bit worried that there wouldn’t be any birds left but they came after about an hour. There were different kinds of tits and after a while two magpies arrived. A lot of people shoe them away but I saw that the little birds weren’t so shy and the poor magpies were just hungry. I made them a special place to eat and gave them special food. They were more frightened than the small birds so I didn’t get any pictures of them. The small birds were so hungry that they let me come close so that I could take some photos. I must now continue to feed them up until spring finally arrives.

Axel

I was so glad I thought that the backbone of winter finally had been broken. I was feeling happy for the first time this year. I had hope. To day I was brutally thrown back into my depression with -10°C. It isn’t fair to first be given hope and then have the rug pulled away from under your feet. I have been to sunlight therapy today but it didn’t really help. Or maybe it did. Maybe it is good for me to sit down and cry my heart out. It feels so hopeless. Maybe I have come to realize that everything is suffering just as Buddha says. I am so glad that I have a loving husband and understanding children whom I love dearly. Not to forget my loving animals. You can read about my old dog Dutch and little Taffy in earlier pages. Someone who really helps me to get through my depression and the pain I have in my wrists is my old cat Axel. Axel sleeps in my bed. He is a very large male (castrated) black cat about 14 years old. He takes my wrists with both of his paws and pulls it towards his tummy and snuggles up with my wrist in a firm grip. The warmth from him takes away my pain. He is more effective than any pharmaceutical painkillers I could by. Not all cats are snugglers like he is. It is now way past my bed time and I and going to try to dream about spring and flowers and cosy little house with a cosy little garden in a country far away. I read about it in a blog called Steps to the sky which I follow.

I have hope

I am beginning to hope! Hope that I am seeing the end of this winter. I feel different. It is no longer hopeless even if I live in an ice prison. The temperature has risen, its now + 0, 4°C outside and the snow is melting. May be the fact that I have a week off also should be taken in to account. The snow is melting and so is my heart. To have a winter depression is like going to hell and not knowing if you will come back. Something broke today, I pray it was the backbone of winter. I sat in my house and heard a rumble. It was an avalanche that came from the roof. Down came a lot of snow and ice with a bang. It felt so good. Now I have to be careful because it can be dangerous when the ice and the snow slide of the roofs like this. I do hope that this is the voice of spring.

Just a brief meeting with someone

Just a brief meeting with someone can give you relief for a while

My blog sometimes spills over on the dark side. This is because I am suffering from SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) (In my case it’s winter depression.) I find that blogging helps me. The other day I found a comment on my blog from Japan. It was just a glimpse of another human being, just a brief meting in cyber space. But this brief meeting meant a lot to me. I started to think about all the brief meetings we make in our lives and how they often give a golden edge to an ordinary day. The Swedish poet Hjalmar Gullberg (1898 – 1961) has caught this in one of his poems. He came from Skåne in the south of Sweden. Tragically he committed suicide by drowning himself. This is my translation of his poem.

If in a lonely forest
anxiety over took you
Just a brief meeting with someone
could give you relief for a while

Give some directions on path
then in peace say goodbye
Such were strangers meetings
according to ancient rules

Changing a word or two
made it easy to walk
All peoples meetings
should be conducted as such

The dream

This terrible winter is eating me alive? My soul is now deep frozen. I dread it is dying and will not live to see spring. My heart is growing cold, so cold that it is getting harder and harder for me to feel love and sympathy. In this icy bitter cold world I am slowly dying barely surviving, clinging on to something I remember as life by using a dream; the dream of a new spring coming with new life, a dream of another life, a dream that includes the islands of Malta.

But I need more than dreams if I’m going to survive two or three months of this frozen Hell. I don't believe in a warm Hell. If hell means that I will be shovelling coal I will gladly be going there.

I have how ever been given a glimpse of hope from a little darling bumblebee. She has reminded me that just 7 miles from where I live there is a brand new swimming facility which has a sun beach. Not the sort you get a tan from but the sort you get daylight from. The kind of light you need to treat your winter depression. I am now trying to defrost my muscles and my willpower so that I can visit this beach. God knows that I need it.